A bit late on my weekly posting goals but better late than never. Originally, this post was going to be about Resources for those going through fertility hardships. That post will come soon but I am trying to write this blog organically as much as possible and not just write a bunch of content that will automatically post.
So…. why what do I mean by Belated Bunny Blues? Well, in honesty it was supposed to be Bunny Blues and be written prior to Easter but aah well, that didn’t happen. I found myself feeling rather sad during the last week or so and it took me a minute to figure out why. I thought due in part to putting this Blog out there (more on this below) but, the sadness was more than that and it dawned on me that it was Easter. Thus, Bunny Blues and now Belated Bunny Blues. 😉
I am sure that many of us are affected in some way by holidays especially in association with losses. Holidays come in all shapes and sizes and include various memories. From a fertility standpoint there are not too many holidays that don’t remind me that I am childless. While many of them are often painful times for me I have found that the holidays more geared towards children are definitely the toughest. I am not a religious person So Easter is far more about getting together with family now. Easter as a child always involved getting together with our large family. As children we would hunt for the Easter eggs hidden by older cousins, we would play games like tag and yard darts. It was a light and joyful time. At home my parents would make the whole Easter basket thing a huge treasure hunt which I loved. As all of these childhood memories were formed and I would smile back fondly remembering them as an adult I often would dream of doing those same things for my future children.
As Easter was fast approaching television and social media became flooded with the newest trends in Easter Bunny festivities. Cute ideas for Easter baskets, fun and creative ways to dye eggs, colorful little dresses. In addition it was paired with all of the fun spring break activities many friends were doing with their little families. As each day would draw closer to Easter I found myself more and more weighed down by sadness.
While Kevin and I haven’t totally given up on having a family we aren’t getting any younger and after 9 years I really don’t know that we will get the chance to create these memories and traditions with children of our own. We aren’t blessed with nieces or nephews to dote on and many of our close friends don’t live nearby. Those who are close have their own family traditions to carry on and it makes it difficult to join them without feeling we are pushing ourselves on them.
My overall sadness I found later had been intensified by my cycle that was beginning and resulted in me spending some quality time with the heating pad. What is it about times that are already difficult in the fertility land that we must be reminded physically that we aren’t pregnant. I know I am not the only one who experiences this. Such a strange thing. Side note, that was my main cause for the delay of this post.
I can say however that I did do well on Easter. Despite my cramps I made a conscious effort to stay off of social media and kept busy binge-watching various programs on Hulu. We had spent time with family earlier in the weekend so it was just a low key day and honestly mentally preparing this blog entry in my head helped as well. So, it is being therapeutic I guess; It is sort of Funny too I guess as bunnies and eggs are so representative of fertility and procreation.
I wanted to finish this by acknowledging how terrified I was feeling after publishing my first post. The moment after hitting publish my stomach was in knots. I am a fairly open book and I know sharing my story may help someone out there and is definitely helping me so why the fear? My biggest fear when thinking about starting a blog was all about my writing abilities. I don’t find myself particularly witty or cerebral in my writing. Now that I am writing and putting it out there the next fear is all about being and feeling judged. Ironically, I am more fearful of this by those I know than someone I have never met. Luckily for each friend who wasn’t supportive of this idea and often made me feel like they are tired of hearing about my losses I have a friend (often more) who is there to say “you can do it” and that my story is worth sharing and will help someone. Those friends who cry not only with you but for you when you no longer have tears. Friends who remember to ask how things are going. Friends who are like family. There are also some amazing bloggers out there who have done this for so long and yet recently one of my favorite bloggers Hannah Marcotti shared about her own fears of being judged by what she is putting out there. It was after reading her blog post “Please, stop reading my words” that I knew I had to get this post under my belt and move on to the future.
Funnily enough this little guy was just hopping past my office window. Couldn’t help but wonder if his ears were burning. Pardon the picture quality as they are fast little buggers.
Well, I’ll take that as a sign that I needed to put this out there. Maybe the rabbit left me some eggs too.
I hope if you have found my little blog that in some way you are reminded that you are not alone. Whether you are trying to get pregnant for the first time, recovering from a still birth or miscarriage or suffering through secondary fertility your journey means something.
Baby dust and blessings to you, Love Lara